May 28, 2025
Unmasking in relationships: safety, shame, and being seen
Unmasking ADHD in relationships is scary, but it can also be healing, especially when safety and self-understanding come first.
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Unmasking ADHD in relationships is scary, but it can also be healing, especially when safety and self-understanding come first.
I want to start off by validating your fears: unmasking is one of the most intimate and terrifying things we can do. Especially if you have ADHD and have spent your whole life being told that you're “too much”, “too intense”, “too weird” or simply “too different”.
The idea of taking that mask off and showing someone you love who you really are can feel impossible. But what if unmasking is actually the most powerful form of self-love? And what if, instead of doing it all alone, we made space for relationships to become the container where unmasking ADHD feels safe?
Before we look at what unmasking means, we need to take a moment to clarify what masking might look like for ADHD’ers. Whilst it will look different for everyone, there are some common behaviours which show up again and again.
Some examples look like reacting to things in a way which feels more ‘acceptable’, stopping yourself from fidgeting, keeping quiet to avoid ‘over-talking’, or over-preparing to hide time-management struggles.
Although the specific ways in which ADHD masking shows up are different for everyone, the emotional and physical toll often looks similar. Many people experience deep fatigue or burnout from constantly performing in ways that don’t come naturally. It can chip away at your confidence, leading to low self-esteem, especially if you start to believe your true self isn’t acceptable. And for those who’ve been masking for years, sometimes without knowing it, it can delay understanding your own brain, leading to a late or even missed diagnosis.
Masking can also show up through behaviors like hiding stimming, over-preparing to cover executive function struggles, or crashing after social situations, each one taking a quiet toll over time.
Before I understood unmasking, I thought it just meant letting your “weirdness” show. But as I kept learning, I realized it’s deeper than that.
Unmasking ADHD means peeling back the layers you’ve learned to wear to survive: people-pleasing, over-apologizing, memorizing social scripts, hiding the way your brain actually works. It means deciding to show up as yourself, on your terms.
To me, unmasking means:
Note: While this piece focuses on ADHD, it’s worth noting that masking is also a deeply familiar experience for many Autistic people, especially those who are both ADHD and Autistic. If you want to explore how this plays out in Autism, we have a guide on Autistic masking in women and AFAB people, and another on how Autism may present differently in men and AMAB people.
To be honest, unmasking is probably always going to feel risky. When you’ve learned that your authentic self is “too much,” it’s natural to believe that being fully seen will lead to rejection, not connection.
I’ve lived this myself. In my own relationship, unmasking didn’t happen because I suddenly felt brave or figured everything out (because, even though I’m an ADHD, sex and relationships coach, I still don’t have it all figured out!). It happened because my partner created the kind of space where I felt safe enough to let go. She showed me that I could show her the parts of me I usually kept locked away. Then, when she met me with kindness instead of criticism, it changed everything for me.
That safety helped me build confidence. It helped me unmask more fully in all areas of my life. Even now, it helps me keep supporting others who are doing the same.
I know it seems weird to say this in an article about unmasking, but the coach in me won’t allow me to skip this: You don’t have to unmask. If you don’t feel safe or if you still need to figure out who you are before showing other people, you don’t have to force yourself to unmask.
But, if you decide you want to start, I need you to know that no one can make you unmask. No one can do it for you; the process starts with internal work. You’re going to have to gain a greater understanding of yourself, learn to accept who you are, and probably put some work into treating your needs with respect instead of shame.
If you don’t believe you’re worthy of being seen, it’s going to be hard to let someone in, even if they’re trying to love you. That’s not a failure, it’s a really normal trauma response. It’s not something you have to be stuck in, and you can change it.
The more you connect with who you are through reflection, spending time with yourself, and getting curious, the easier it becomes to unmask in small, manageable ways. Not all at once. Not with everyone. But gradually, and intentionally, in spaces where you want to be known.
Know you’re not alone in this feeling. One of the main things I speak to my coaching clients about is how to know and love themselves first. Everyone struggles with it to an extent, and everyone is able to make the changes they want to make.
Talking about safety in relationships could fill up hundreds more articles. We obviously need to feel we’re physically safe in our relationships, but when we’re talking about unmasking, the focus tends to be on psychological safety. The kind that lets your nervous system relax. The kind that allows you to try things out, get curious, and know you’re not going to be hurt if you make yourself vulnerable.
When that kind of safety is present, unmasking becomes less about making a huge effort to be yourself and more about trusting that you’ll be okay when you naturally start to drop the mask.
I really think this is a beautiful thing. When we start to unmask with the right people, we begin to rewire our sense of what’s possible. We learn that we don’t have to twist ourselves into knots to be loved, and we learn that our authentic selves are not only tolerable but deeply, truly lovable.
If you’re reading this and wondering if you’ll ever feel safe enough to unmask, if it’s even possible for someone to see the real you and stay, I want you to know this:
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of being seen.
And you are worthy of being known.
Unmasking gives the people around you the opportunity to love you for who you really are and not the version you’ve been told is acceptable. Maybe even more importantly, it gives you the chance to build a deeper, more honest connection with yourself.
This isn’t about rushing or performing vulnerability; it’s all about taking your time, figuring out what feels safe, and finding relationships that support your growth instead of stifling it.
Whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial, whether you're just starting to unmask or you've been doing it for years, you deserve relationships where you can take off the mask and simply be (doesn’t that sound peaceful?)
If you’re reading this and don’t feel you’re ready yet, that’s okay. You’re not behind. You’re not broken. Trust that, when you’re ready, you’ll get there.
We’ve touched on some deep things here. If you’d like to take this further, here are a few reflective questions I often ask my coaching clients. Feel free to journal them, voice-note them, or just think them over.
Unmasking isn’t a destination. It’s a slow return to yourself, one choice, one moment of safety, one honest breath at a time. However it looks to you, and however long it takes, you deserve relationships where you can show up fully and be met with care.
Unmasking ADHD in relationships is scary, but it can also be healing, especially when safety and self-understanding come first.
I want to start off by validating your fears: unmasking is one of the most intimate and terrifying things we can do. Especially if you have ADHD and have spent your whole life being told that you're “too much”, “too intense”, “too weird” or simply “too different”.
The idea of taking that mask off and showing someone you love who you really are can feel impossible. But what if unmasking is actually the most powerful form of self-love? And what if, instead of doing it all alone, we made space for relationships to become the container where unmasking ADHD feels safe?
Before we look at what unmasking means, we need to take a moment to clarify what masking might look like for ADHD’ers. Whilst it will look different for everyone, there are some common behaviours which show up again and again.
Some examples look like reacting to things in a way which feels more ‘acceptable’, stopping yourself from fidgeting, keeping quiet to avoid ‘over-talking’, or over-preparing to hide time-management struggles.
Although the specific ways in which ADHD masking shows up are different for everyone, the emotional and physical toll often looks similar. Many people experience deep fatigue or burnout from constantly performing in ways that don’t come naturally. It can chip away at your confidence, leading to low self-esteem, especially if you start to believe your true self isn’t acceptable. And for those who’ve been masking for years, sometimes without knowing it, it can delay understanding your own brain, leading to a late or even missed diagnosis.
Masking can also show up through behaviors like hiding stimming, over-preparing to cover executive function struggles, or crashing after social situations, each one taking a quiet toll over time.
Before I understood unmasking, I thought it just meant letting your “weirdness” show. But as I kept learning, I realized it’s deeper than that.
Unmasking ADHD means peeling back the layers you’ve learned to wear to survive: people-pleasing, over-apologizing, memorizing social scripts, hiding the way your brain actually works. It means deciding to show up as yourself, on your terms.
To me, unmasking means:
Note: While this piece focuses on ADHD, it’s worth noting that masking is also a deeply familiar experience for many Autistic people, especially those who are both ADHD and Autistic. If you want to explore how this plays out in Autism, we have a guide on Autistic masking in women and AFAB people, and another on how Autism may present differently in men and AMAB people.
To be honest, unmasking is probably always going to feel risky. When you’ve learned that your authentic self is “too much,” it’s natural to believe that being fully seen will lead to rejection, not connection.
I’ve lived this myself. In my own relationship, unmasking didn’t happen because I suddenly felt brave or figured everything out (because, even though I’m an ADHD, sex and relationships coach, I still don’t have it all figured out!). It happened because my partner created the kind of space where I felt safe enough to let go. She showed me that I could show her the parts of me I usually kept locked away. Then, when she met me with kindness instead of criticism, it changed everything for me.
That safety helped me build confidence. It helped me unmask more fully in all areas of my life. Even now, it helps me keep supporting others who are doing the same.
I know it seems weird to say this in an article about unmasking, but the coach in me won’t allow me to skip this: You don’t have to unmask. If you don’t feel safe or if you still need to figure out who you are before showing other people, you don’t have to force yourself to unmask.
But, if you decide you want to start, I need you to know that no one can make you unmask. No one can do it for you; the process starts with internal work. You’re going to have to gain a greater understanding of yourself, learn to accept who you are, and probably put some work into treating your needs with respect instead of shame.
If you don’t believe you’re worthy of being seen, it’s going to be hard to let someone in, even if they’re trying to love you. That’s not a failure, it’s a really normal trauma response. It’s not something you have to be stuck in, and you can change it.
The more you connect with who you are through reflection, spending time with yourself, and getting curious, the easier it becomes to unmask in small, manageable ways. Not all at once. Not with everyone. But gradually, and intentionally, in spaces where you want to be known.
Know you’re not alone in this feeling. One of the main things I speak to my coaching clients about is how to know and love themselves first. Everyone struggles with it to an extent, and everyone is able to make the changes they want to make.
Talking about safety in relationships could fill up hundreds more articles. We obviously need to feel we’re physically safe in our relationships, but when we’re talking about unmasking, the focus tends to be on psychological safety. The kind that lets your nervous system relax. The kind that allows you to try things out, get curious, and know you’re not going to be hurt if you make yourself vulnerable.
When that kind of safety is present, unmasking becomes less about making a huge effort to be yourself and more about trusting that you’ll be okay when you naturally start to drop the mask.
I really think this is a beautiful thing. When we start to unmask with the right people, we begin to rewire our sense of what’s possible. We learn that we don’t have to twist ourselves into knots to be loved, and we learn that our authentic selves are not only tolerable but deeply, truly lovable.
If you’re reading this and wondering if you’ll ever feel safe enough to unmask, if it’s even possible for someone to see the real you and stay, I want you to know this:
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of being seen.
And you are worthy of being known.
Unmasking gives the people around you the opportunity to love you for who you really are and not the version you’ve been told is acceptable. Maybe even more importantly, it gives you the chance to build a deeper, more honest connection with yourself.
This isn’t about rushing or performing vulnerability; it’s all about taking your time, figuring out what feels safe, and finding relationships that support your growth instead of stifling it.
Whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial, whether you're just starting to unmask or you've been doing it for years, you deserve relationships where you can take off the mask and simply be (doesn’t that sound peaceful?)
If you’re reading this and don’t feel you’re ready yet, that’s okay. You’re not behind. You’re not broken. Trust that, when you’re ready, you’ll get there.
We’ve touched on some deep things here. If you’d like to take this further, here are a few reflective questions I often ask my coaching clients. Feel free to journal them, voice-note them, or just think them over.
Unmasking isn’t a destination. It’s a slow return to yourself, one choice, one moment of safety, one honest breath at a time. However it looks to you, and however long it takes, you deserve relationships where you can show up fully and be met with care.
Unmasking ADHD in relationships is scary, but it can also be healing, especially when safety and self-understanding come first.
I want to start off by validating your fears: unmasking is one of the most intimate and terrifying things we can do. Especially if you have ADHD and have spent your whole life being told that you're “too much”, “too intense”, “too weird” or simply “too different”.
The idea of taking that mask off and showing someone you love who you really are can feel impossible. But what if unmasking is actually the most powerful form of self-love? And what if, instead of doing it all alone, we made space for relationships to become the container where unmasking ADHD feels safe?
Before we look at what unmasking means, we need to take a moment to clarify what masking might look like for ADHD’ers. Whilst it will look different for everyone, there are some common behaviours which show up again and again.
Some examples look like reacting to things in a way which feels more ‘acceptable’, stopping yourself from fidgeting, keeping quiet to avoid ‘over-talking’, or over-preparing to hide time-management struggles.
Although the specific ways in which ADHD masking shows up are different for everyone, the emotional and physical toll often looks similar. Many people experience deep fatigue or burnout from constantly performing in ways that don’t come naturally. It can chip away at your confidence, leading to low self-esteem, especially if you start to believe your true self isn’t acceptable. And for those who’ve been masking for years, sometimes without knowing it, it can delay understanding your own brain, leading to a late or even missed diagnosis.
Masking can also show up through behaviors like hiding stimming, over-preparing to cover executive function struggles, or crashing after social situations, each one taking a quiet toll over time.
Before I understood unmasking, I thought it just meant letting your “weirdness” show. But as I kept learning, I realized it’s deeper than that.
Unmasking ADHD means peeling back the layers you’ve learned to wear to survive: people-pleasing, over-apologizing, memorizing social scripts, hiding the way your brain actually works. It means deciding to show up as yourself, on your terms.
To me, unmasking means:
Note: While this piece focuses on ADHD, it’s worth noting that masking is also a deeply familiar experience for many Autistic people, especially those who are both ADHD and Autistic. If you want to explore how this plays out in Autism, we have a guide on Autistic masking in women and AFAB people, and another on how Autism may present differently in men and AMAB people.
To be honest, unmasking is probably always going to feel risky. When you’ve learned that your authentic self is “too much,” it’s natural to believe that being fully seen will lead to rejection, not connection.
I’ve lived this myself. In my own relationship, unmasking didn’t happen because I suddenly felt brave or figured everything out (because, even though I’m an ADHD, sex and relationships coach, I still don’t have it all figured out!). It happened because my partner created the kind of space where I felt safe enough to let go. She showed me that I could show her the parts of me I usually kept locked away. Then, when she met me with kindness instead of criticism, it changed everything for me.
That safety helped me build confidence. It helped me unmask more fully in all areas of my life. Even now, it helps me keep supporting others who are doing the same.
I know it seems weird to say this in an article about unmasking, but the coach in me won’t allow me to skip this: You don’t have to unmask. If you don’t feel safe or if you still need to figure out who you are before showing other people, you don’t have to force yourself to unmask.
But, if you decide you want to start, I need you to know that no one can make you unmask. No one can do it for you; the process starts with internal work. You’re going to have to gain a greater understanding of yourself, learn to accept who you are, and probably put some work into treating your needs with respect instead of shame.
If you don’t believe you’re worthy of being seen, it’s going to be hard to let someone in, even if they’re trying to love you. That’s not a failure, it’s a really normal trauma response. It’s not something you have to be stuck in, and you can change it.
The more you connect with who you are through reflection, spending time with yourself, and getting curious, the easier it becomes to unmask in small, manageable ways. Not all at once. Not with everyone. But gradually, and intentionally, in spaces where you want to be known.
Know you’re not alone in this feeling. One of the main things I speak to my coaching clients about is how to know and love themselves first. Everyone struggles with it to an extent, and everyone is able to make the changes they want to make.
Talking about safety in relationships could fill up hundreds more articles. We obviously need to feel we’re physically safe in our relationships, but when we’re talking about unmasking, the focus tends to be on psychological safety. The kind that lets your nervous system relax. The kind that allows you to try things out, get curious, and know you’re not going to be hurt if you make yourself vulnerable.
When that kind of safety is present, unmasking becomes less about making a huge effort to be yourself and more about trusting that you’ll be okay when you naturally start to drop the mask.
I really think this is a beautiful thing. When we start to unmask with the right people, we begin to rewire our sense of what’s possible. We learn that we don’t have to twist ourselves into knots to be loved, and we learn that our authentic selves are not only tolerable but deeply, truly lovable.
If you’re reading this and wondering if you’ll ever feel safe enough to unmask, if it’s even possible for someone to see the real you and stay, I want you to know this:
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of being seen.
And you are worthy of being known.
Unmasking gives the people around you the opportunity to love you for who you really are and not the version you’ve been told is acceptable. Maybe even more importantly, it gives you the chance to build a deeper, more honest connection with yourself.
This isn’t about rushing or performing vulnerability; it’s all about taking your time, figuring out what feels safe, and finding relationships that support your growth instead of stifling it.
Whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial, whether you're just starting to unmask or you've been doing it for years, you deserve relationships where you can take off the mask and simply be (doesn’t that sound peaceful?)
If you’re reading this and don’t feel you’re ready yet, that’s okay. You’re not behind. You’re not broken. Trust that, when you’re ready, you’ll get there.
We’ve touched on some deep things here. If you’d like to take this further, here are a few reflective questions I often ask my coaching clients. Feel free to journal them, voice-note them, or just think them over.
Unmasking isn’t a destination. It’s a slow return to yourself, one choice, one moment of safety, one honest breath at a time. However it looks to you, and however long it takes, you deserve relationships where you can show up fully and be met with care.
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